Do you ever just get really p****d off that your life is in no way the way you’d intended it to be?
I took a bit of time off from the blogging purely due to being preoccupied, and for a while I just haven’t known where to begin in terms of returning to posting. However, I guess now is as good of time as any because this all comes from my current mood. Resentment. Angst. And envy.
So I ask again; do you ever just get really p****d of that your life is in no way you intended it to be?
Now I’m not saying my life is bad, because its not. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and money in my pocket. But that doesn’t stop me thinking ‘This isn’t what I had planned.’ when I’m feeling down.
Rewind back to when I was 15. Things were so rubbish at home, GF (Dad’s girlfriend) ostracised me from my own family, and it was meant to destroy me, sure, it hurt sometimes, but the truth is I’m so much happier alone. So to me, it was rubbish that I was watching my Dad drift away from me more and more, but I didn’t feel at a loss. I was still full of hope, and ambition. I wanted so much from life, and it seemed so much simpler back then. By this point I wanted to move out by the time I was 16 so my short-term goals were never really effected, but long-term I wanted a job that required a university degree (a doctor or whatever was my ‘passion’ for the week), that would pay well, and I would save up for a nice house (nothing swanky but a family home like we had when we were kids), I’d get a retail job in the meantime to pay for my lessons and a car so I’d be driving by the time I went to Sixth Form… The world was my oyster…
Nowadays, I sit back and I wonder; ‘Where did those hopes and dreams go? Where did my ambition and zest for life go?’. I’m a firm believer in “being the change you want to see in the world” (or in this case in your life), so if your life is lacking something, go and get it. I apply it to my life whenever I can. The question is, how do you do that when your chances are slowly slipping through your fingers? I want to retake my GCSE’s, get A-Levels, go to University, become a GP… I have dreams. The trouble is that’s all they are, dreams. How do you achieve these things when you have such debilitating anxiety you can’t even go to the bin shed? There’s distance learning, but then you’re completely independent so how does one fund these courses? There’s loans from the job centre to help you develop more prospects, but then they don’t fund for distance learning so? You can’t go to college, you can barely leave the front door. So tell me; where do you go from here? You can wait… But these courses in total take over 10 years, and I’m almost 20. My recovery could take years, and in these years I could be proactive but…
There’s always a ‘but’.
I never believed in ‘but’. You guessed it; but there are so many legitimate ‘buts’ that life sets us, especially when it comes to mental health. You can get stuck in an endless cycle of ‘buts’ and inevitably not get to where you want to be. I feel so disappointed in myself when I think of these things, but I forgive myself, because were it not for my abusers, I wouldn’t be in this situation, which in turn leads to envy, and resentment. Not toward them (because their lives are a pitiful waste) but toward the people I went to school with. They’ve done nothing wrong, I know. I feel such jealousy toward them though. I see them all working toward their happily ever after, and doing so well, yet I don’t want to congratulate them. I want to grab them, and shake them, and scream at them. Why do they get their happily ever afters when I’m the one who’s had to endure nothing but s**t all my life. Where’s the God, Jesus, Allah, Vishnu, Ganesha, Buddha, whoever you believe in that decides that although I’ve had a s**t life, I only deserve more s**t?
I’m just tired. I’m tired of ‘buts’. I’m tired of having to fight every damn day of my life. I’m tired of watching others skate through life as if its easy. I’m tired of my life being a constant reminder of my past. I left the abuse. But the repercussions will never leave me. Perhaps I shouldn’t write this since GF reads it against my will, but let me get this straight, my life is great, I’m happy and humble, but you destroyed a life. I hope that keeps you awake at night knowing that whilst you complete umpteen ICS and OU courses for no purpose because you’ve no intention of ever lifting a finger, you stopped someone from having a chance. That’s evil.