Do you remember when I called you that? Daddy. When I was just so little and fragile, full of innocence and in need of protection from the one man a girl can count on: her Daddy.
What did you see? Did you see? A little girl? Your daughter? Someone in need of protection and guidance? Or just another drain on society? Another woman in the way of your ideal world?
See I don’t ask to be rude, or unforgiving. I don’t ask to hurt you. I ask because I don’t understand. It wasn’t just me who you saw as nothing but a problem. My mother was just a problem. Your sister was just a problem. Your girlfriend is just a problem. And I know the deep-seeded reasons for this, I know the only woman worth something on this planet was your Nana. But surely; a daughter, a little piece of yourself, could break that cycle?
Remember when I was about 7/8? I’d wrote you a letter. In this letter I poured my heart out, asking why you didn’t have the money to take your children out, but had so much money to take this new girlfriend out? What was it you told me? Your children would always come first.
So tell me Daddy, why did you prioritise your girlfriend over your children? Why could you take her out and not your children? Why could you beat your daughter instead of standing up to her? Why did you allow both your children to ostracise themselves from the family so they didn’t have to be bullied by your girlfriend?
Was it because unless a woman is serving her purpose and providing you with sex, she isn’t important? Because I served no purpose to you, I was just a burden to you?
Remember when I was learning to ride a bike, learning to walk, to talk, being potty trained? Remember these times? I was too young too remember but I don’t remember you being around much.
Was it to provide for the family you cared so deeply about? Or was it just because you couldn’t bare to be around me?
Perhaps you and Mum broke up because she served no purpose now she wasn’t providing you with sex.
Remember when you first met your girlfriend and she was so young and impressionable? Remember how you mollycoddled her into a woman hating, racist, female version of yourself?
Is that the only reason things have lasted so long? Because I notice that when she formulates her own opinions that’s when you find her a problem, but she’s still serving her purpose.
See Daddy, I wonder everyday if I ever had a chance of being loved by you, but as I grow older I see the bigger picture. I see how you follow in your Mother’s footsteps. I never met her, but you were the one child who didn’t live with her. And from what I was told you didn’t like her partner(s).
The difference between you and I Daddy, is that I will learn from the way both you and Mum failed me. I will never follow in your footsteps. Yet the one thing that turned you into the woman-hating misogynist you are, you did to your daughter. Isn’t irony funny. Everyday is plagued with questions about what I did so wrong, but I realise more and more each day, I did nothing wrong. I never stood a chance.
I lash out at your girlfriend, and I say hurtful things, but the truth is I respect her more than I respect you Daddy dearest. See she doesn’t see that standing by a violent abuser is a sin in itself. She doesn’t see the way you hate all women. She’s naive and young, and moulded into another you. But before you made your mark she was so kind. I don’t hate her. I hate the things she says and does/did. But I don’t blame her. I blame you. And at least she has the decency to speak out and defend herself, whereas you sit back, lurking in the shadows, with so little to say because you know Daddy. You know what you did was evil yet you can’t bring yourself to even apologise…
Daddy? What Daddy? My Daddy failed me, and showed me that most men aren’t dependable. My Daddy is evil. My Daddy isn’t a dad, daddy, or a father. My Daddy, is just a face in a picture keeping up with the facade he began years ago, that he is a respectable man. No respectable man throws their daughter around the room, covering her in bruises. No respectable man headbutts his daughter. No respectable man punches his daughter. No respectable man breaks his daughter. No respectable man bullies his daughter. No respectable man tells his daughter she is a psycho like her late mother. No respectable man tells his daughter to kill herself. An evil man does.
Goodbye “Daddy”. You’re just a face in a photograph.