Mental Health Awareness Month

In light of Mental Health Awareness Month I’ve compiled this blog post. Its kinda difficult to write a post purely about MHAM when your entire blog is about mental health, however, I will try given the cause.
Also this blog post will contain this weeks rant about Dad’s girlfriend since she’s a crazy little stalker to put it politely. But for now; I digress.

MHAM is a month which I struggle with. I feel that a singular month isn’t long enough to completely outline mental health and how it effects people. Its simply not enough to talk about your own experiences and offer support for a month. These issues go on everyday for some people, so why isn’t all this publicity given during any other time of the year?
In order to see the change we want we need to talk about it 365 days a year. We need to share our experiences, we need to offer support. The TV broadcasters need to publicise these links they share this week/month, every single day. That’s how we fight the stigma. By talking about it everyday. Not when society dictates…

 

Part 2.

Crazy stalker.
So Dad’s girlfriend has always had a penchant for watching my every post on social media. Despite being blocked on everything. You see the image they’ve painted to everybody is that I’m a really bad person, when in actual fact one of my abusers still bullies me indirectly through social media. I get stalked and accused when not a single word has been exchanged between us for over 4 years.
I’m slightly hypocritical I have to admit. I watch her twitter. Maybe I shouldn’t, however, I’m only human and for two years her twitter and her facebook were bombarded with childish taunts toward me, knowing I couldn’t see them. She spoke about me to all her friends, and to my own family, referring to me as ‘fart face’. Googling my name. Dragging my name through the mud. For two years. No contact. Not a single tweet about her, not a single facebook post about her. All this bullying was completely unprovoked, yet she’d still been watching my every move, like the creepy little stalker she is.
So now we’re at the point where I watch her twitter, because I’m human and paranoia overtakes all morality. And she still tweets about me to her weird little cronies then tells them all I’m a psycho for retaliating. Because of course I’m a bad person. She watches my instagram and then creates issues for my younger brother accusing him of having seen me recently because I posted an old photo of us. Yet I’m still the bad person.
As you can see I’m an evil psychopath like she says.

Anybody who reads this and has some constructive advice on what to do about Little Miss Stalker: I’d really appreciate it!

Laura x

Namestรฉ

I’ve never been one to believe in deities. The concept to me seems somewhat baffling. I mean imagine having a single “super-being” if you will that has complete control of the universe, its creation, its plants, its cultures, its whole entirety, and the people in it and their behaviours. How could one person manage all of that single-handedly? Super-being or not, its impossible. Perhaps I’ll offend a few people with my views but just because these are my beliefs doesn’t mean to say I disagree with other people’s beliefs, I respect everybody’s view.

With that said, I’d never been exposed to the idea that perhaps we are our own “God” (generically speaking, his/her name does not matter). Within each of us lies our own God. This is something that from the moment it was proposed I’ve felt a sense of clarity about. The concept being as follows;
We are all our own God. Whilst our bodies remain firmly grounded our hearts and souls are free and wild God’s.
Most who seek comfort from a deity pray, they pray to the universe, to their God, to somebody or something. They pray for change in their life, or the world, which the deity controls. But perhaps prayer is being practised all wrong. Perhaps prayer is meant to open up our inner voice and therefore our inner God. We cannot change the world. We cannot change our circumstance. But we can pray to our inner God to find the strength we already had within to continue. We can pray to inner God to find a way which we already knew to work toward what we want.
You see since hearing about this belief, its became so clear. We needn’t ask a deity for things but ask ourselves for guidance in ways we already knew but were too distracted to find in ourselves.

Finally a belief which provides my life with some clarity.

Namastรฉ – (nah-mas-tay) – My soul honours your soul. I honour the place in you where the entire universe resides. I honour the light, love, truth, beauty & peace within you because it is also within me. In sharing these things we’re united, we are the the same, we are one.

Dear Daddy;

Dear Daddy;

Do you remember when I called you that? Daddy. When I was just so little and fragile, full of innocence and in need of protection from the one man a girl can count on: her Daddy.
What did you see? Did you see? A little girl? Your daughter? Someone in need of protection and guidance? Or just another drain on society? Another woman in the way of your ideal world?
See I don’t ask to be rude, or unforgiving. I don’t ask to hurt you. I ask because I don’t understand. It wasn’t just me who you saw as nothing but a problem. My mother was just a problem. Your sister was just a problem. Your girlfriend is just a problem. And I know the deep-seeded reasons for this, I know the only woman worth something on this planet was your Nana. But surely; a daughter, a little piece of yourself, could break that cycle?

Remember when I was about 7/8? I’d wrote you a letter. In this letter I poured my heart out, asking why you didn’t have the money to take your children out, but had so much money to take this new girlfriend out? What was it you told me? Your children would always come first.
So tell me Daddy, why did you prioritise your girlfriend over your children? Why could you take her out and not your children? Why could you beat your daughter instead of standing up to her? Why did you allow both your children to ostracise themselves from the family so they didn’t have to be bullied by your girlfriend?
Was it because unless a woman is serving her purpose and providing you with sex, she isn’t important? Because I served no purpose to you, I was just a burden to you?

Remember when I was learning to ride a bike, learning to walk, to talk, being potty trained? Remember these times? I was too young too remember but I don’t remember you being around much.
Was it to provide for the family you cared so deeply about? Or was it just because you couldn’t bare to be around me?
Perhaps you and Mum broke up because she served no purpose now she wasn’t providing you with sex.

Remember when you first met your girlfriend and she was so young and impressionable? Remember how you mollycoddled her into a woman hating, racist, female version of yourself?
Is that the only reason things have lasted so long? Because I notice that when she formulates her own opinions that’s when you find her a problem, but she’s still serving her purpose.

 

See Daddy, I wonder everyday if I ever had a chance of being loved by you, but as I grow older I see the bigger picture. I see how you follow in your Mother’s footsteps. I never met her, but you were the one child who didn’t live with her. And from what I was told you didn’t like her partner(s).
The difference between you and I Daddy, is that I will learn from the way both you and Mum failed me. I will never follow in your footsteps. Yet the one thing that turned you into the woman-hating misogynist you are, you did to your daughter. Isn’t irony funny. Everyday is plagued with questions about what I did so wrong, but I realise more and more each day, I did nothing wrong. I never stood a chance.
I lash out at your girlfriend, and I say hurtful things, but the truth is I respect her more than I respect you Daddy dearest. See she doesn’t see that standing by a violent abuser is a sin in itself. She doesn’t see the way you hate all women. She’s naive and young, and moulded into another you. But before you made your mark she was so kind. I don’t hate her. I hate the things she says and does/did. But I don’t blame her. I blame you. And at least she has the decency to speak out and defend herself, whereas you sit back, lurking in the shadows, with so little to say because you know Daddy. You know what you did was evil yet you can’t bring yourself to even apologise…

Daddy? What Daddy? My Daddy failed me, and showed me that most men aren’t dependable. My Daddy is evil. My Daddy isn’t a dad, daddy, or a father. My Daddy, is just a face in a picture keeping up with the facade he began years ago, that he is a respectable man. No respectable man throws their daughter around the room, covering her in bruises. No respectable man headbutts his daughter. No respectable man punches his daughter. No respectable man breaks his daughter. No respectable man bullies his daughter. No respectable man tells his daughter she is a psycho like her late mother. No respectable man tells his daughter to kill herself. An evil man does.

Goodbye “Daddy”. You’re just a face in a photograph.

13

This isn’t one of my usual blog posts, however, as a mental health advocate I wanted to take the time to talk a little about 13 reasons why?
For those of you who haven’t yet heard of it, a) you should totally get netflix, and b) its about a 17 year old girl; Hannah Baker, who commits suicide and rather than leaving a note she leaves tapes. There are 13 sides which explain the 13 reasons why, all of which were sent to each person on the list.

So here’s 13 reasons why I found it flawed… Just kidding I couldn’t think of 13 but that would have been quite witty. But, whilst I enjoyed watching it, and I truly commend Netflix for this truthful, raw series, there are certain parts I really don’t like.
For example; notice how on the tapes Hannah is so hurt by the way these people hurt her? I feel for Hannah, but is it not a little hypocritical that she didn’t like the fact her peers had judged her for what they had heard, yet she judged the tall school journalist (I didn’t remember his name), she doesn’t even give him a chance to talk before she gives him the cold shoulder?
What about Clay? His biggest crime was not telling her that he loved her. But, again, hypocrisy because when did Hannah tell Clay she loved him? In fact she completely pushed him away. I understand the typical signs that someone is hurting, but what about before things went so wrong? She is as guilty as him, yet again.
There’s then the fact that actually, by sending out these tapes in a way that would mentally torture those they were sent to, she is being a hypocrite. She was tortured mentally by the emotions they caused without realising yet here she intentionally sets out to do the same? And the one person who deserved it; Bryce, didn’t receive a single tape.
The whole point that Hannah is trying to make with these tapes is that although it may seem like nothing to you, what you say and do can really effect a person, and the beautiful irony is, that for someone who understood that so well, she was most guilty…

 

Until next time;
Laura x

Why ME?

Do you ever just get really p****d off that your life is in no way the way you’d intended it to be?
I took a bit of time off from the blogging purely due to being preoccupied, and for a while I just haven’t known where to begin in terms of returning to posting. However, I guess now is as good of time as any because this all comes from my current mood. Resentment. Angst. And envy.

So I ask again; do you ever just get really p****d of that your life is in no way you intended it to be?
Now I’m not saying my life is bad, because its not. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and money in my pocket. But that doesn’t stop me thinking ‘This isn’t what I had planned.’ when I’m feeling down.
Rewind back to when I was 15. Things were so rubbish at home, GF (Dad’s girlfriend) ostracised me from my own family, and it was meant to destroy me, sure, it hurt sometimes, but the truth is I’m so much happier alone. So to me, it was rubbish that I was watching my Dad drift away from me more and more, but I didn’t feel at a loss. I was still full of hope, and ambition. I wanted so much from life, and it seemed so much simpler back then. By this point I wanted to move out by the time I was 16 so my short-term goals were never really effected, but long-term I wanted a job that required a university degree (a doctor or whatever was my ‘passion’ for the week), that would pay well, and I would save up for a nice house (nothing swanky but a family home like we had when we were kids), I’d get a retail job in the meantime to pay for my lessons and a car so I’d be driving by the time I went to Sixth Form… The world was my oyster…

Nowadays, I sit back and I wonder; ‘Where did those hopes and dreams go? Where did my ambition and zest for life go?’. I’m a firm believer in “being the change you want to see in the world” (or in this case in your life), so if your life is lacking something, go and get it. I apply it to my life whenever I can. The question is, how do you do that when your chances are slowly slipping through your fingers?ย I want to retake my GCSE’s, get A-Levels, go to University, become a GP… I have dreams. The trouble is that’s all they are, dreams. How do you achieve these things when you have such debilitating anxiety you can’t even go to the bin shed? There’s distance learning, but then you’re completely independent so how does one fund these courses? There’s loans from the job centre to help you develop more prospects, but then they don’t fund for distance learning so? You can’t go to college, you can barely leave the front door. So tell me; where do you go from here? You can wait… But these courses in total take over 10 years, and I’m almost 20. My recovery could take years, and in these years I could be proactive but…
There’s always a ‘but’.
I never believed in ‘but’. You guessed it; but there are so many legitimate ‘buts’ that life sets us, especially when it comes to mental health. You can get stuck in an endless cycle of ‘buts’ and inevitably not get to where you want to be. I feel so disappointed in myself when I think of these things, but I forgive myself, because were it not for my abusers, I wouldn’t be in this situation, which in turn leads to envy, and resentment. Not toward them (because their lives are a pitiful waste) but toward the people I went to school with. They’ve done nothing wrong, I know. I feel such jealousy toward them though. I see them all working toward their happily ever after, and doing so well, yet I don’t want to congratulate them. I want to grab them, and shake them, and scream at them. Why do they get their happily ever afters when I’m the one who’s had to endure nothing but s**t all my life. Where’s the God, Jesus, Allah, Vishnu, Ganesha, Buddha, whoever you believe in that decides that although I’ve had a s**t life, I only deserve more s**t?

I’m just tired. I’m tired of ‘buts’. I’m tired of having to fight every damn day of my life. I’m tired of watching others skate through life as if its easy. I’m tired of my life being a constant reminder of my past. I left the abuse. But the repercussions will never leave me. Perhaps I shouldn’t write this since GF reads it against my will, but let me get this straight, my life is great, I’m happy and humble, but you destroyed a life. I hope that keeps you awake at night knowing that whilst you complete umpteen ICS and OU courses for no purpose because you’ve no intention of ever lifting a finger, you stopped someone from having a chance. That’s evil.

ย Today We Rant

I apologise for the delay, this post is a little late. I had a bit of rough two weeks, so I thought today I would side-track from my back story in order to deliver a quick rant to you all; enjoy.

CW: anxiety/panic attacks.

I’ve had some issues with my very own ‘nightmare neighbour’. I have literally not slept very well for a month, which for an insomniac is hellish. The non-stop partying, and influx of new men every night whilst she housed a 16 year old girl was frankly: disturbing. Every single night, for a month,  I’ve been subjected to what sounded like college ‘frat’ girls making amateur porn. I tried every angle to get them to quieten down in the end, I tried to be their friend, I tried to tell them off like children, I then lodged a complaint with my housing association and environmental health… Nothing had even the slightest effect on them. It got to the point where I was having anxiety attacks every night. I was having rage blackouts every night. I wasn’t coping. So other than going up and assaulting them, the only option was to call the police and beg them to come out and speak to them. Around ten calls later, they still didn’t stop. I finally came up with the idea to refer the young girl to social services, I mean, what she was doin was hardly safe, right? Social came, and she wet home at long last. Only now my neighbour has found new lodgers… Luckily they’re more tolerable than the child, but the issue is ongoing. It’s had such an effect on my mental health, that I’m now in the process of trying to move. I mean, it’s not just that, it’s an accumulation of things. Not only do I have a nightmare neighbour, my property is old, it uses storage heaters (which haven’t worked for 3 months) which they now want to replace with central heating. Great, I hear you say? Well it would be if they weren’t putting the boiler in my bedroom. I have such an issue with sleeping, the last thing I want in my bedroom is a boiler. Then they want to replace the outdated, nicotine stained kitchen. Great, I hear you say? Well it would be if my anxiety wasn’t so horrifically triggered by the thought of people coming in and out of my property, touching my things. It’s a block of flats, so I struggle to even take the bin out because, when does an agoraphobic person want to socialie with random people? It’s just got to the point now where, all the cons outweigh any of the pros. So it’s safe to say I’ve not been in the best of places emotionally.

We then have the evil stepmother, at her finest. As said previously, I haven’t spoke to this woman in 3 years. I made a brand new Twitter, in no way associated with her Twitter, specifically for mental health advocacy and my blog. She somehow found my new Twitter. I only know this because she has then proceeded to read my blog, leaving a comment on “the evil stepmother”, using the name ‘Laura’. The comment read and I quote “truthon Twitter @lj_daniels18”. So let me just explain. The most recent tweet(s) on this account is a thread about her. I was fuelled with rage because as per usual she’s been posting indirect posts about me publicly on Facebook. Her favourite posts usually infer I am a narcissist and a sociopath. The image read along the lines of “Narcissits have no emotion blah blah fucking blah”. Of course that is highly amusing to me given the nature of EUPD is extreme mood intensity! But I also felt intense anger. This woman claims she is an empath, and wants to fight the stigma of mental health, yet belittles my disorder and just says I’m a sociopath. Who, in their right mind, can sit and speak out about mental health, yet have no willingness to understand my disorder? You don’t have to like me, but I have never once claimed you’re anything bad because of the disorders you have. I  admit, I feel she is a narcissist herself (more shall follow) but not because of her misophonia, or her anxiety etc. I will never belittle her for her mental health. I went on to rant about how she believes she’s really hard done by, and the world owes her something when it doesn’t, and she can’t call herself an empath whe she will support everyone’s struggle but mine. Her attempt to “expose” me as this really evil person (like I mentioned in the previous post) didn’t work because I know what I said and I know why.  Now however, (and here’s why I feel she is a narcissist) she’s posting certain posts publicly claiming “Narcissists will always think your posts about them”. But only certain posts are public. The only public posts are the ones referring to me as a sociopath, or evil, or as her abuser. Of course, I’m the crazy paranoid one, it’s not so blatantly obvious these posts are aimed at me. She hasn’t had a friend outside of her computer since she was I high school, no-one else has even had a chance to “abuse” her. But yet again, it’s all more proof I’m not evil, and more justification for why I feel the way I do.

All I can say on the matter though, is, I’ll never be brought down by people like this. I have my own flat, friends, family, a great foster Mum, lovely things and a steady income. I do well at providing for myself with no support from my family. I’m independent, and I’m only 19. Which is more than the person dragging me down can say.
Until next time;

Laura x

The Evil Stepmother

I thought today I’d get something off my chest, something I rarely talk about yet bothers me every second, of everyday. My Dad’s Girlfriend (GF) had such a huge part to play in how things went so wrong, and yet to this day I’m referred to as a narcissist and just generally a terrible person. I’m sure this happens to many people every single day, and I’m sure many of you will relate, so here I am sharing the story of the evil stepmother.

CW: mentions abuse loosely, refers to various mental health issues and some of the symptoms (both true and false) associated. No GC.

As mentioned in ‘A quick “How Do You Do?” Myself and GF have had a really rocky relationship for years and years, which lead to the breakdown in relationship with my Dad and I. 3 years ago I was removed from the family home, and ever since have had next no contact with them. Some how though, I seem to be the topic of conversation a lot between GF and her social media ‘crew’ (because who needs real friends right?) and the one to blame for incidents I’ve not been around for. 3 years, no contact, yet somehow everything is always my fault still? Seems logical. So I thought I’d make this into a little game of true and false, let’s play.

1. On April 1st 2014, my Dad broke my nose, because I’d tried to talk to him, and was told every single time I speak, I’m attention seeking. I played up the role, and antagonised him by squealing at the TV, he said something very nasty, so I threw a sausage roll at him. He then followed me into the kitchen, and punched me in the face 4/5 times. I called the police who took him into custody, and from then on social services didn’t deem it safe for me to return the family home.

On April 1st 2014, I was removed from the family home for causing trouble.

2. For 4 years I was physically, and emotionally abused. I was told things like ‘I should drown myself in the bath because I’m a psychopath like my [late] Mum’, and if I tried to be a part of the family conversations I’d be told ‘We weren’t speaking to you’. I would be chastised for having the radio on in my room if the noise could be heard when people came up to use the toilet even if it couldn’t be heard downstairs. I was told off for moving people’s washing into the dryer, or doing the dishes, or for not knowing someone was planning on having a bath when I got in one. When GF was present if I chose to sit downstairs I’d be made to feel awkward, GF wouldn’t speak to me the whole time, if I was allowed to be a part of the family she’d go upstairs and sulk, creating a massive issue from it. I was too scared to ask my Dad buy me bras so I’d steal GF’s and rather than understanding she cut up my knickers, then deny all knowledge. She’d go searching through my belongings to see if she could find anything of interest, with no suspicions, just being nosey. My things would go missing, and I’d be told no-one knew where they’d gone. I was allowed to go out with them on family days out, I had to stay at home. One time I got pushed into the wines at Tesco by my Dad and left there, they drove home, leaving me there. I protected my Dad from the police on two previous occasions and lied to social services every time. I was bullied for my appearance. I wasn’t allowed friends, I had to babysit and even when I wasn’t I wasn’t allowed to leave the house.

For four years I subjected my Dad and his gf to emotional and psychological abuse. I was the child of Satan, and I did everything in my power to manipulate them and the people around me to believe I was the victim, despite the horrific ordeal I put them through. They repeatedly tried to reach out and support me but I ruined every act of kindness that came my way from them. By putting GF’s laundry in the dryer I was antagonising them, the same goes for every incident above.

3. On the day I left the family home I had told the police I wanted to press charges as I was hurt and angry. After 2 months residing at my Aunt’s I told the police that pressing charges wasn’t worth it, it was risking my Dad’s freedom which meant it was possible my brother could end up in foster care. Not only this, but my brother who was 11/12 at the time would have to give evidence in court. I tried my hardest to drop the charges but I as told that too much evidence had been gathered to just let it slide at this point. So I continued to share my story, and in my victim’s personal statement told the story of how I had been effected by what had happened to me in order to get justice. I was summoned to court which meant if I didn’t attend I was breaking the law.

On the day I left the family home I had fed the police a load of lies, which they had to follow up because of the magnitude of the claims, but as mentioned earlier they removed me from the house for causing trouble. I pressed charges based on these lies to manipulate the situation more, and to keep up with the facade where I was the victim. I did this to hurt and traumatise my Dad and GF more than ever. I was on a mission to destroy their lives. When we went to court I lied about how my story had effected me, using how they felt to imitate how I should feel.

4. As a result of my past I suffer with EUPD and agoraphobia with panic disorder as diagnosed by a psychiatrist. I suffer daily with panic attacks, sometimes triggered, sometimes not triggered. I struggle to leave the house at all. I experience intense moods which change frequently, which I have no control over. I take medications daily to help me get through life. At one point I self medicated with cannabis, but it was never daily, only when I was very very stressed. I rarely drink due to my Mum’s alcoholism. Sometimes I retaliate to the comments made on social media which can aggravate the situation but I don’t before I act because all I feel is the intense anger and betrayal.

As a result of what I put Dad’s GF through (even though she didn’t go through court with my Dad so just the emotional abuse) she now suffers with PTSD. I don’t retaliate, I cause problems in order to keep control over her, and to manipulate them both. I don’t suffer with mental health problems, I’m simply an abusive narcissistic sociopath. I’m a druggy and an alcoholic. I don’t have any emotions, I am completely empty but will try to imitate other people’s emotions in order to seem normal. I cause trouble wherever I go. Because I cause these problems on social media that must mean I’m every account that adds them that they don’t know, I have hacked GF’s Twitter, I have even made a fake Twitter account of my cousin who is just a toddler.

5. When I speak to my brother which is rare, we talk about how things at college are going, we reminisce about our childhood, I’ll ask how things are at home in terms of ‘is he happy?’.

When I speak to my brother, it is purely to find out information to use against them. I talk about them all the time, insulting and belittling them. I try to manipulate my brother into hating them the way I do.

 

That’s 5 stories of what’s happened and/ still happens primarily with GF, one true and one false. Can you guess which is which? Of course if GF had her way you’d all be saying option 2 for each number. Option 1 was the truth. Everyday on social media I am reminded that option 2 is what GF, my Dad, my family, and all their friends honestly believe. After everything I went through and still go through everyday, I’ve been labelled as a narcissist which will likely stick for the rest of my life.

But I didn’t write this blog to be about me, or to feel sorry for myself. I wrote this blog because it is so common nowadays for victims of any abuse to be labelled for life as a bad person. Whether it be by one person or by a group of people, there is this perception with some people that means they can’t see the fault in the abuser. You must have asked for it, your dress was too short, you swore once, you had a different opinion. You asked for it. And that males me question how far has society actually come when people see someone who’s been through such an ordeal as a narcissist? Not only is there a stigma around talking about it, there is a stigma around having been through it. Something that was completely out of your control.

If you’re reading this, and you feel like you’ve been through this I’m telling you from my heart; you didn’t deserve it. You didn’t ask for it. Nothing you could have possibly done warranted any form of abuse.  You’re always welcome to contact me because you’ll never be alone in being blamed for your abuse, some people will always be blind to the truth.

This blog is a reminder of why if you have been through abuse, or suffer with misunderstood mental illness it. Is so. Important that we stand up and fight together. We must fight the stigma, for our children, and their children, and their children. So should anyone else go through abuse, they are not blamed by their abuser or anyone. Let’s break the stigma together and show those narrow minded idiots who’s really at fault here.

Laura x

 

 Contact details;

TWITTER: @BorderlineTales

E-MAIL: laura.j.daniels1997@gmail.com